Overrated technology: Leaf Blowers and Automatically-flushing toilets

(Today's guest blog is brought to you by Field Guide -- sorry about the delay.)

When I see someone using a leaf blower, I feel really sad.

I feel sad because I put myself in that person’s shoes and think how pointless and meaningless life must seem: I am an Hispanic immigrant, standing on Poplar or Central, blowing the leaves of the overprivileged into the street, and cars whiz by me and blow them right back onto the sidewalk or into the yard. And I don’t care because I’m paid to do this. (Leafblowing = Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.) No matter what, the trees are going to continue to produce leaves, and they’re inevitably going to fall to the ground. And rather than composting them, I blow them into the street. This is job security.

Leafblowing is the quintessential example of futility. It’s the ultimate in technological and social resignation. Paying people to do futile, pointless work.... And is there anything worse than pointlessness? I can’t imagine waking up every morning thinking, “I’m going to use a leaf blower all day long.” This is not meant to be disparaging to the landscaping and yardwork community. I would love to plant things and tend gardens and mow lawns (especially with the old-fashioned human-powered lawn mowers), and as an occupation, landscaping and gardening work – farming and tending in general – are tremendously rewarding jobs.

But leaf blowers ruin it. Leaf blowers emit fumes into the air which decrease air quality. And they disperse the problem of errant leaves without finding a real solution. Leafblowers are the manifestation of NIMBY. Or NIMFY (if it’s the front yard). They’re ubiqutous flagrant examples of the decline of society.

Automatically-flushing toilets are not far behind on my worst-inventions list. There are several worst-case bathroom scenarios that transpire in the ladies’ lavatory as a result of automatically-flushing toilets:

Scenario 1: You want to sit to do your business, but you want to paper the potty first. So you grab a handful of tissue and wipe down the wet seat. Your bending over the toilet causes the toilet to automatically flush, creating more water to spray on the seat.

Scenario 2: Repeat Scenario 1 first. If you’re lucky, the self-flusher has been tricked into submission and won’t flush again. You wipe down the seat (again) and then paper the potty. You may now assume the position.

Scenario 3: Repeat Scenarios 1 and 2. You’re done with your business, and now you have to finish the process. You lean over to reach for the TP and the self-flushing toilet is activated by your booty lifting off the seat. Your backside is now wet and sprayed with toilet bowl water. Congratulations. Now you have the TP that you used to paper the potty stuck to your hindside.

Isn’t this ridiculous? I don’t even understand why automatically-flushing toilets even exist. Are we such infants that we have to relegate bathroom cleanup to automated toilets? Are we not capable of flushing on our own? And let me tell you, airports are the worst. Not only do you have all your luggage in the stall with you, creating a more cramped environment, but those automatically-flushing toilets are super-aggressive and ultra-sensitive.Moreover, yellow is mellow, but brown goes down. Automatically-flushing toilets are not discriminating about their contents.

Modern technology can be really humiliating.

Of course there are underrated conveniences like a dishwasher or like a milk/cream foamer for coffee that I really appreciate and am not willing to get rid of. Autoclaves are nice as well. As are indoor-outdoor thermometers. And pyrethrum bug sprayers.

Why can't napkins be more like tissues?

Some people have claimed that I'm overly negative, focusing primarily on overrated things. In the interest of being fair and balanced, here are some overrated/underrated couplets that have been on my mind recently.

Overrated: the month of July
Underrated: the month of March

Sure, July has the 4th, which is nice, but anything with fireworks as a central focus is probably a bit overblown. July is nice when you're young, because it means no school and lots of free time. But for most adults who have real jobs (and I'm not saying I'm one of them), it's not clear why July (or the summer in general) is any more special than other times of year. Plus, weather-wise, July is too hot, almost everywhere in the U.S., and certainly everywhere I've lived. March, on the other hand, while generally viewed favorably by most people, could be the best month of the year. In the south, the few days when the flowers bloom on the trees before any leaves start to bud are probably the best days of the year. In the north, the first sunny 50 degree day after a bunch of february snowfall, with rivers of melting snow on the sides of the streets, is pretty great as well. March also has the greatest sporting event of the year in March Madness (and I'm saying this despite the horrible sequence of events that has occurred in the current tournament).

Overrated: saying "the south of France"
Underrated: "southern France"

Seriously, why is France so special? Why don't people say "the south of California is just lovely this time of year?"

Overrated: tattoos on girls you'd expect to have tattoos.
Underrated: tattoos on girls you'd not expect to have tattoos.

Overrated: napkin dispensers
Underrated: tissue dispensers

The common napkin dispenser is one of the most poorly designed items I've ever encountered. I'm pretty sure that napkin dispenser technology has not changed in 50 years or more. Perhaps part of the problem is the lack of training or common sense among individuals who fill them. If filled properly, it's possible to grab the short part of the napkin and be on your way. But if the napkins are reversed, you have to dig your finger into the sides of the napkins and grab them, inevitably pulling out about 20 and dislodging the rest of the stack from the machine. Since napkin fillers are likely to remain stupid, I think the easiest solution to this problem is to make napkin dispensers more like tissue dispensers. Whoever designed the tissue formation such that pulling out one brings the next one into position for easy removal is a genius. And while I realize that napkins are a little thicker, I see no reason why a similar mechanism couldn't work for them as well.

Keep Your Hands Off My Hummus!

Welcome back, folks. Doug Campbell has graciously agreed to write a guest-blog about something he feels passionately about. For other, non-vegetable related writings of his, check out his blog at www.impropermittens.com/music

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Hi everyone. I’ve volunteered to be a guest writer in this nascent blog to expose one of the most criminally overrated food items on the planet. I’m not terribly worried about overstating my case here, as this nefarious ingredient has infiltrated nearly every course on restaurant menus and grocery store aisle. I could go on about the overwhelming overuse of this ... thing ... but perhaps it’s best to identify the source of my chagrin.

Roasted red peppers.

Maybe not what you were expecting, and that’s fine. It’s not as though roasted red peppers are really the stand-out culinary accessory there were a decade or so ago. And that’s my main objection to roasted red peppers: they’re presented as a means of making food more “creative” or “exotic” or even “luxurious,” when in fact they are as common as table salt. And about as creative in application.

First, a disclaimer or two. I don’t dislike roasted red peppers per se. I can’t claim that I really like them - by themselves, they’re rather goopy and sloppy, and their sweetness is often cloying. But if added as an ingredient and balanced by something particularly smoky or heat-inducing, they’re fine. And I do very much enjoy red peppers (and their green, orange, and yellow siblings) in other applications - in stir frys, chili, or even raw. Heck, I think we even have a jar of roasted red peppers in our fridge.

What I object to is the belief that adding roasted red peppers to a food item, be it salad dressing, a sauce, a side dish, or an entree somehow makes the now-adulterated comestible (thank you dictionary.com) more exotic or suggestive. Like they’re the Anais Nin of your pantry, making an otherwise bland and pedestrian menu kinky and risqué. Because really, roasted red peppers are the bar tramp of the plate. At one point, they might actually have been dangerous or sexy, but they played that hand way too many times, and are now just common.

(I think the most egregious application is in hummus. Admittedly, I am something of a hummus snob and purist (I wish I could say connoisseur) and thus I really don’t like when people attempt to improve upon or re-imagine hummus with new ingredients. It’s fucking perfect food, people - leave it alone. But adding roasted red peppers? So wrong. So very very wrong.)

But again, I don’t dislike them (roasted red peppers or bar tramps), I just think their lingering reputation is entirely undeserved.

Thusly, it is now proclaimed. Roasted red peppers are overrated.