Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Standing in the sun with a popsicle, everything is possible...

Howdy folks.

I have been through a lot in the last couple of months. When people get a taste of a good thing, and that good thing seems to be taken away from them, they get angry. I have been attacked in several important blogs, and have received several angry emails, even death threats. But the keying of my car can stop. The Yo Mamma jokes can come to an end. Because the wait is over. I'm back. The blog is back. And I want to assure everyone that my lack of writing hasn't been due to laziness. In fact, I have been hard at work researching everything from alligators to oligopolies, from springer spaniels to springtime, from Plato to Play-Doh. I have made countless lists of pros and cons, checked them twice, and have come to some pretty important, and at times perhaps surprising, conclusions. To get the discussion started again, here are but a few:

Moist towelettes - These are underrated. Part of the reason may have to do with their association in my mind with buffalo wings (which are appropriately rated quite highly), but these fresh scented wipes are compact, convenient, and in some cases even disinfect, making them useful in so many situations. I don't know about you, but I keep them in my kitchen, my glove compartment and my wallet. Ok, no I don't. But I should. And I think you should too.

Pandas - Thumbs down to pandas. I know they are endangered. I know they are from China, and Chinese things are trendy. But they don't really do much. They just sit there. If you're lucky they'll eat bamboo.

North Carolina beaches - Underrated. While beaches in general are decidedly overrated, most people don't give North Carolina the proper credit it deserves. Nice sand, water that's the right temperature throughout much of the summer. The Outer Banks are especially underrated. The Wright Brothers liked the place for its regular breeze and soft landing surface. I like it because I can put an OBX sticker on my car and be cool.

Lingerie - Whenever the point of something is so that you can get rid of that something, it seems to me that that something probably shouldn't exist in the first place. Overrated.

Hot tubs - This was a tough one for me. I do wish I had a hot tub. They definitely have their time and place, but that time and place are different than what I once thought they were. I've logged some serious hot tub time in my day, but when the experience that sticks out involves arguing with a Polish world chess champion about whether or not monkeys could beat me at chess, you know it isn't all it's cracked up to be. Thumbs down to the hot tubs.

Popsicles - Underrated. There is something so nostalgic about popsicles. I'm not sure what it is. Well, maybe I'm thinking of the famous photo of my brother, when he was about 4, standing in the yard eating a popsicle. He seemed to be having a great time. Of course, he was also naked and playing with a garden hose. But I think it was the popsicle that made him so happy.
Incidentally, I think there is an untapped market for healthier popsicles. Why can't we freeze non-fruit juice related items and put them on sticks. Nothing would say "summer has arrived" like frozen vegetable puree. Or what about alcoholic popsicles?

Tattoos - I have little experience with these (other than the temporary kind). But after a discussion with a couple of experienced folks in a cafe just a few minutes ago, I've been pursuaded that these are overrated. First, there is the whole permanence thing. Also, one never satisfies you. They always leave you wanting more. Plus, eventually you run out of canvas.

Alright, that's enough for now. I have plenty more to educate you all about, but that can wait (but not very long). Let me know what y'all think.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

The future's sooooooo bright, I gotta wear really, really big shades (Guest Blog)

I am not going to posit this idea as over or underrated. I am simply going to say it must stop. We cannot go on any longer in a civilized society pretending that this is a good look.

The oversized sunglasses look must come to an end. I understand how it happened, believe me. I think this woman is simply darling as well, but we cannot go on like this anymore. We have to remember this at all times: she was horrible human being. Do you really want to model your fashion look after someone who abandoned their whole family, and felt almost no guilt about it? Is that the kind of person you wish to resemble? I don't think you do.

Or are you possibly claiming to be inspired by this woman? Her blatant disregard for sensible eyewear might have led to the death of one of our most overrated Presidents. Think about it. Her large glasses could have easily caused a light flare big enough to blind all of the secret service men. I am not saying that's how it happened. I'm justsayin...

Last and certainly not least, men love this guy, but we would greatly appreciate it if women didn't try and resemble him.