Sunday, November 11, 2007

Spongy milky balls soaked in rose scented syrup

It’s been way too long since I’ve written. I’d like to apologize to my readers. Especially the loyal ones who have been with me since way back in the beginning, since the toast entry that put me on the map and sent ripples through the worldwide blog community. The fact is, as Safeguy mentioned in response to my last post, this blog has indeed become overrated.

The truth is I have commitment issues. I have blog commitment issues. But I’ve talked to a counselor, one who specializes in this sort of thing, and we’ve decided that it’s best if I give it another go. In the interest of doing so and getting some dialog started again, I decided to create a quick list of things that are either over or underrated, rather than to delve deeply into one issue. I really will start to write entries more regularly. And I’ve got some great topics in mind. But here it is, my short list with short commentary:

Chicago Style pizza – Overrated. People rave about this, but the fact is, it’s just not that great. I mean, I’ll eat Chicago style, but New York style has it beat hands down. When I eat pizza, I prefer to be able to eat a lot of it, not just one or two slices. Plus, I prefer to not have to wait 30 minutes for my pizza to be cooked. And inevitably it arrives a little doughy as well. I can’t be alone on this, either. There’s a reason it’s called “Chicago style pizza”, as opposed to just “pizza”. If it were so great, it would be everywhere. Sure, you can get it in most cities, but it’s still pretty rare. The one redeeming quality of Chicago style is the fact that putting the sauce on top of the cheese makes it a little less likely that you’ll burn the roof of your mouth on the cheese when you first bite into it.

Motorola – Overrated. I think a lot of people hate Motorola, but I think that the general population doesn’t quite hate them enough (that is, as much as I do). I have a KRZR, and it’s the worst phone I’ve ever owned. The battery lasts about an hour and a half of conversation time (but it starts beeping at me way before that). It has about a 3 second response time to me pressing a button. It has lots of fancy features none of which I can use without paying more money. Not too long ago I met some guy who works for Motorola. He's a likeable guy and I had nothing against him -- until I found out he worked for Motorola, that is. It’s hard to communicate my extreme dislike for this company. It’s too bad, because I like to see American companies do well, especially electronics companies. But sometimes you just have to let things die.

Sprint – Overrated. The fact that I have both a Motorola phone and use Sprint service is serious evidence supporting my lack of intelligence. Sprint’s prices are a little high, and there coverage isn’t so great, but my main problem with them is how you have to pay extra for everything, and there is very little flexibility. People send me picture mail, but I can’t see it. If I want to send a picture, in addition to paying more money, I have to first upload it to some online account. The ringtones on my phone are very cheesy, but I can’t download another one. And if I did it would have to be through sprint. I dislike sprint enough that I’m seriously considering breaking my agreement with them and paying $400. (That’s right, it’s $200 for EACH phone I have through them. They offered me an extra phone for free, which I took after asking several questions to try to figure out the catch. I called them a few times to set it up but it still doesn’t work. And now I have double the cancellation fee.)

Indian buffets – Underrated. Despite generally being liked by most people, I feel these are still underrated. Of course the quality ranges greatly from restaurant to restaurant, but if you find a good one, it’s hard to beat. Indian food in general is excellent, but the particularly nice aspect of buffets is the great variety of food it affords you. (Man, I need to eat some Indian food soon. Fearlessvk, you down?) The one bad thing about Indian buffets is that they typically skimp on the desert. What I mean by this is that they usually offer that rice pudding sort of desert, which is pretty good, but not nearly as good as those soggy honey balls they occasionally serve. Man, those soggy balls are so good they deserve their own mention.

Soggy Indian honey balls – Underrated. I just looked these up and apparently the actual name is gulab jamun (incidentally, I found this by googling “soggy Indian honey balls”). These are basically like they took doughnut holes, and soaked them in a sweet syrup, but they are stinking good. There’s nothing quite like a freshly prepared set of warm gulab jamun. It’s breathtaking. I suggest you try it.

Law and Order – Overrated. I don’t have too much to say about this. There have been way too many Law and Order derivatives. I haven’t watched many of them, but they ones I’ve seen have been underwhelming. I’d rather watch Matlock.

Boggle – Underrated. Peggy Hill can back me up on this one. It’s a great game. But maybe I only like it because I’m stinking good at it.

That will due for now. Let me know what y'all think.

Friday, October 12, 2007

"I'm dumb, she's a lesbian. I thought I had found the one..." - Weezer

Girls, if you ever want to grab a guy's attention, just start making out with each other. After all, from the way guys talk, it seems like on the list of guys' favorite things to do (if they could), watching girls get it on is right up there near the top.

But lesbians are overrated.

Oh, lesbians are perfectly fine, productive members of society. I've got no beef with them (literally and figuratively). I've only known a couple of lesbians really well, and they're great people. In fact, despite the threat of them luring away some of my potential mates (those who are "on the fence", I guess), I really do think that lesbians make the world a better place. I guess what I mean, then, is that straight guys' sexual fantasies regarding lesbians are overrated.



I'll admit that even I have succumbed to the social pressure to express lesbian fantasies on several occasions. I mean, if you're with a group of guys watching Cruel Intentions and the scene where Sarah Michelle Gellar makes out with Selma Blair comes on, not uttering at least a single "Oh, yeah!" or "That's what I'm talking about!" or showing some other display of approval would be tantamount to coming out of the closet. But that stops now. No more will I let myself feel like my masculinity is attached to how much I like lesbians.



Just like I think watching lesbians get it on would be overrated, I think getting it on WITH lesbians would be overrated.



I mean, when you think about it, the problem with getting it on with a couple of lesbians is that they would shift the focus from what it should be on: you.



I'd feel left out. I'd want to join in. I imagine that watching two lesbians together is a bit like watching a taco bell commercial advertising the latest addition to their menu. You recognize all of the same taco bell ingredients you've come to know and love, but at the same time their rearrangement still seems new and exciting. But alas, it's 3:02 a.m., which means that taco bell is closed, making your dream of actually experiencing a nacho cheese supreme 7-layer taco just beyond reach. But even if you are lucky to have an open taco bell across the street, I'd be willing to bet that you'd end up going with the usual gordita you are used to ordering. If not that time, you soon will switch back after the novelty wears off.



(I'm sorry for the taco analogy. I didn't really realize that I was writing about tacos until just now.)



That is to say, even if they were particularly welcoming lesbians, anxious to let everyone get involved, I'm not sure my reaction to that circumstance would be as enthusiastic as it's supposed to be. Call me insecure, but I have a hard enough time handling one woman, let alone two. Not to mention the fact that these women are undoubtedly more skilled in certain areas than all but the most experienced guys.



But even if they were straight, and I were the greatest lover in the world, when it comes down to it, like Jerry Seinfeld, I guess I'm just not an orgy guy.



(If you'll recall George and Jerry's dialogue from that amazing episode:



"So what happened?"

"She's into it."

"Into what?"

"The menage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roommate's into the menage too."

"That's unbelievable."

"Oh, it's a scene man."

"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?"

"What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it."

"You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?"

"I can't. I'm not an orgy guy."

"Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident."

"Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it."

"If only something like that could happen to me."

"Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either."

"I know."



So I guess at least Jerry shares my opinion. (But then, I always kind of thought that Jerry was a little bit questionable in the realm of his sexuality....... hmm......)



Alright, I'll stop my rambling for now. I started out with lesbians, then I ended up talking about orgies more generally. Anyway, I have no business writing any of this. I haven't had the opportunity to get up close and personal with any lesbians, nor have I ever had the company of more than one straight girl in my bed at the same time. For the sake of research and remaining fair and balanced, however, I am willing to give it a try. Lesbians out there, prove me wrong! Send me your contact info., and a picture. Preferably naked, making out with another girl. That would be hot, right guys?!





Next up: public transportation themed dates

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

“I'm so spoiled - I must have a Starbucks vanilla latte every day.” – Katie Holmes

Starbucks is underrated.

I don’t necessarily mean that from the perspective of the population as a whole. After all, with over 13,000 stores worldwide, Starbucks is the largest and most financially successful chain of coffeehouses in the world. It’s difficult to argue that a company with such a huge customer base is underrated. But I’m talking to all you Starbucks haters out there. The ones who think that Starbucks is destroying our society, and those of other countries, one downtown city corner or suburban drive-through at a time. I’m kind of ashamed to admit, but I have probably spent an average of at least 15 hours a week in various coffeehouses for the last 6 years. Most of that time was not spent in a Starbucks. There are other places I prefer. Probably only between 5 and 10 percent of that time was spent in one Starbucks or another. But that means that I’ve spent somewhere between 234 and 468 hours of the last 6 years of my life in Starbucks. Over that time, despite my slight preference for some other coffeehouses, I have come to appreciate what Starbucks does have to offer.

Here’s the run-down.

Good points:

The aforementioned market test. Let’s face it. Starbucks has done pretty well.

Cleanliness. Definitely not a given among the many places that I’ve frequented in my life.

Decent coffee. Not amazing, but pretty good. Of course, as one poster mentioned in regards to my last blog, I may lack the ability to tell what is truly good coffee. Since I apparently lack the sophisticated tastes to determine what makes good bread, my palate certainly won’t be able to discern the subtle flavors of a good coffee roast. But despite one publicized blind taste test in which Starbucks coffee was beat out by McDonalds, there are as many taste tests where Starbucks is found to beat all the competition as there are to the contrary.

Labor practices – Starbucks gives their employees (full and part-time) an impressive benefits package (health, dental, and vision insurance, stock options, 401k with matching). It is the 16th best company to work for in the U.S., according to Fortune magazine. In his recent book, “How Starbucks Saved My Life: A Son of Privilege Learns to Live Like Everyone Else”, Michael Gill, who took a job as a Starbucks barista after being laid off from a lucrative advertising position (and also being diagnosed with a brain tumor and his wife leaving him), says, “I am happier than I have ever been.” He emphasizes the level of respect that Starbucks employees have for each other and their customers.

Local feel - Despite being an international chain, each Starbucks really does have a regular clientele. At least in Memphis, you are just as likely to see the same people over and over at a given Starbucks as you are at any other coffee shop. The employees call the customers by name and vice versa.

Don’t get me wrong. There are some things I dislike about Starbucks. The lack of free internet is one thing. How they call their sizes Tall, Grande, and – I can’t remember what the other size is called – really pisses the hell out of me. Actually, intentionally saying “small” does bring me some enjoyment, because undoubtedly they will repeat what I said, but switch the order of the words around and replace “small” with a slightly emphasized “tall”. The more they frown on my apparent lack of Starbucks ordering skills, the more it makes me smile.

The hours. If there is one way in which a local shop could differentiate itself and gain some business and converts, it would be to stay open late. What’s the deal? I know we’re not a college town, but for the love of God, can’t we support ONE late-night (or all night) coffee shop. (Don’t even try to bring up CK’s.)

The prices. They have always been a bit high, and recently they were raised even more. But the degree to which their prices exceed those of their competitors is overblown. People always say things like, “Why would you get a $4 cup of coffee at starbucks when you can go somewhere else and get one for a dollar?” Well, that’s just not true. Maybe the largest size of some specialty espresso drink is $4, but a regular cup of coffee is much cheaper. You have to compare apples to apples (or iced tall skinny vanilla lattes to iced tall skinny vanilla lattes). In fact, Starbucks prices may actually be lower than many of their competitors (http://starbucksgossip.typepad.com/_/2004/08/starbucks_price.html).

Their ability (and occasional practice of) buying out local competition doesn’t concern me so much. (After all, that is voluntary, and just means that they are better able to satisfy customer’s desires than the local store could). But their growing market power does make the economist in me squirm a little. At this point, however, they are by no means a monopoly. The cost of entry into the coffee shop market is relatively low. There will always be alternatives available.

The music isn’t always so great, but that varies greatly from store to store (and I know of at least one independent coffee shop that I think of burning down every time I hear them play that awful song by Fergie, or Rockstar by Nickelback, or Take It On the Run by REO Speedwagon….. okay I’ll admit I like that last one, but most of what they play is atrocious.

I do like Starbucks’ recent practice of giving away a new free song everyday on i-tunes. Oh, wait, I forgot. The large corporation is exploiting their substantial market power to shove certain artists down our throat, at the expense of other perfectly able artists out there. Well, in my opinion, free music is free music. As long as there aren’t subliminal messages hidden in the music, like “Drink more coffee!!!” I’m fine with it. Besides, I have to believe that Starbucks has done significant market research in determining what type of music their customers actually enjoy.

It may be argued that the problem with Starbucks (and large chains in general) is their lack of heterogeneity. Indeed, the incredible success that McDonald’s has enjoyed is derived from the fact that one can go into any McDonald’s in the country (and for the most part, the world) and get a cheeseburger and fries prepared exactly the same way as in any other McDonald’s. People value knowing what to expect. The same is true for Starbucks. Of course, if you’re a local and don’t eventually try the local coffee shops available to you, you’re an idiot. Despite Starbucks’ quality (as revealed by its incredible success and propagation), there are better options out there. Just no better options that have successfully integrated themselves into such a wide variety of markets and regions.


Next up: Kevin Costner

Sunday, September 30, 2007

"We don't go nowhere without toast, we thugged out" - 50 Cent

This historic writing marks the beginning of my blog, Up Up Down Down. You may think from its title that I’ll be writing about Contra, or any number of other video games produced by Konami. Although I reserve the right to eventually write about classic Nintendo games whose domination was initially made possible by this “secret” code, there are more pressing matters to discuss. Over the course of this blog, I’ll be reporting the some of the most grossly overrated and tragically underrated products/things/ideas/people.

Let’s begin with what many may understandably believe to be one of the most important food developments in history, when considering its frequency of everyday consumption, glorification in the media, and propaganda spread by food pyramid peddlers everywhere: toast.

Toast is overrated.

My friend was recently passively aggressively accused of “accidentally” having taken her ex-roommate’s toaster. It was an old toaster, complete with rust and stains, worth perhaps $10, but managed to create quite a bit of contention among the two of them. Its fun to hear my friend tell the story, but making this story possible is about all that toast has done for me.

Of course, just because toast doesn’t do it for me, doesn’t necessarily mean that toast is overrated in general. People are allowed to have different preferences (although I’d like to believe that mine are pretty good and you should respect my opinion just because of that). But I think that sometimes peoples’ observed choices are affected by misinformation, habit, or just a lack of having fully thought things through. One of the goals of my writing will be to help you thing these things through.

If you think about it objectively, all of the good aspects of eating toast are due to products or characteristics that typically accompany it, rather than the toast itself. Let’s face it. Butter makes anything good. Jam’s good. Peanut butter’s great. I could eat cinnamon and sugar by the spoonful. But plain, dry toast? No, thank you.

I do like the warmth of toast. But you don’t need a toaster to have warm bread. Quizno’s subs are good, but not because they are oven-toasted. Toasting them may make them a little better, but only because it warms the sub overall and melts the cheese.

Finally, let’s consider alternatives. If there is anyone out there that would choose a slice of toasted wonderbread over a warm buttermilk biscuit, you might as well stop reading right now. We have fundamentally different outlooks on life, and you’ll never agree with anything I say. But biscuits are just one alternative. If it’s breakfast you’re after, why not go for a muffin? If it’s lunch time, go for a grilled panini rather than the toasted club. If you’re concerned about the condiment containment abilities of spongy, un-toasted bread, why not go for a pita or a wrap?

Important caveat: I’ve only discussed regular toast. Other toast-related products, such as French toast, toaster streudel, and croutons, differ in their over/underratedness (with French toast and toaster struedel being, if anything, slightly underrated, and croutons being perhaps the most overrated toast-related item of them all – there is nothing worse then biting into a refreshing salad of cool lettuce and crisp, fresh vegetables and feeling that dry, rough texture cutting into the roof of your mouth and the unexpected resistance of a dense cube of crumbling carbohydrates, most of which is left stuck in your teeth. If it’s the seasoning you’re after, go for the non-fat-free salad dressing instead).

Next up: Key Lime Pie flavored yogurt.